Intuition kept me close to my baby through the NICU
The most heart shattering feeling is leaving your new-born baby in the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit (NICU) with medical professionals you don’t know. Whether it's one day, three months, a year or more, it's an ordeal not being able to take home what is rightfully yours: the baby you birthed. In most cases, because of a baby's medical condition we feel we don’t have a choice and because we want our baby to live and thrive, we leave them under the care of others, trusting they will get the best care.
This action involves a lot of STRENGTH if you ask me! Walking out of those hospital sliding doors every time I was leaving my baby in the NICU were some of the hardest steps I’ve ever had to take.
I’m here to tell you I survived. Dealing with a 4-hour emergency C-section because of scar tissue, and then 3 days later having to leave my one pound baby for three months in the NICU was to say the least traumatic.. And to add to that, the pandemic restricted my visits to see my baby. Not being able to see her nearly took my breath away at times. There were nights I frantically woke up with the feeling I lost something —that someone had come and ripped my baby out of me. This was the experience that came with not being able to be with the baby I birthed. In those moments of sadness and helplessness in the middle of the night all I could do was call the NICU to check on my baby and breast pump to relieve soreness and fullness. But no matter how lonely I felt in these moments, I knew I did the right thing in birthing her and providing her the care only a mother could give.
Child bearing and birth is that large part of life that is completely magical and unpredictable. It takes major FAITH and TRUST in yourself to believe your body can grow and birth a human being, much less parent a new human. The key word is “TRUST”:trusting ourselves in knowing we are making the right decisions for our baby. No matter the birth outcome, with motherhood comes new levels of intuition. When having a baby in the NICU, we have to tap into our super power, INTUITION, and do what we feel is right for our baby, while dealing with the confines and restrictions of the medical system. The Webster Dictionary defines intuition as, “a thing that one knows or considers likely from instinctive feeling, rather than conscious reasoning”. Birthing a child adds another layer of intuition that enhances our inner feelings and our thought process. We just instinctively know when something doesn't quite feel right.
What got me through you ask?
Following my intuition and being involved with the recovery of my baby was what was needed to get me through those hard times. My body was tired, my breasts were sore from fullness, my brain felt cloudy, my heart hurt, and in my life and around the world, so many other things were happening at the same time. For my sanity, I had to be curious and ask questions in the moment to understand how I can get my baby to recover and be home with me. There were many times the doctors and nurses would explain the “hot topics” of the baby's progress and I was completely turned off, while I looked over at the baby in the incubator with tubes and wires, thinking this can’t be right. Being curious and asking questions provided me more clarity and peace of mind. It also boosted my confidence to know I was advocating for my baby. I distinctly remember speaking to the morning rounds of doctors and nurses about the milk they were feeding my baby. The reflux episodes she was dealing with made her very uncomfortable. I instinctively felt it was the hospital formula that was causing these issues. Preemie hospital formula was an automatic choice given to the baby by medical staff based on calorie and body weight calculations needed for her to grow. I didn't feel comfortable about their choice and advocated for my baby in asking for alternatives. My body was still adjusting to prematurely no longer housing a baby, and my breasts were working through its first lactation stage, which took about 3 - 5 days to actually produce colostrum. Because of my curiosity, I asked if there were alternative ways of feeding, and found out I could request a lactation counselor to help increase my breast milk production. I also found out there were different options of milk, like donor milk I could give my baby, which I believed did reduce her reflux. If we don’t ask questions, we will never know the alternatives, because in most cases alternatives are usually not shared unless we ASK.
It was the intuition of my husband and I to respectfully press the doctors on when our baby was coming home and if certain medications were truly necessary, while asking for better alternatives. It was intuition that gave me the urge to visit the baby twice in that day versus once; finding out the baby had a reflux episode AND got one month old vaccinations at 2.5 pounds! I knew she needed her mama’s skin-to-skin to reassure she was safe.
Participate however you can in giving your baby the best care in the NICU by changing the diapers, giving baths, singing, skin-to-skin, reading a book, lightly cleaning the baby’s hospital room, or sitting silently watching your baby while meditating on the beauty of life. Following my intuition allowed me to feel I mattered and my voice mattered in those moments. I instinctively knew being with her was good for her just as much for me.
Making time for myself. My self-talk was not the greatest in these moments. After learning about myself more through perinatal therapy, I had to make changes in speaking life, giving words to myself. I didn't want to make the same mistake as my first birth where I constantly blamed myself for everything I felt I put her through. It only felt worse, constantly guilting and shaming myself for having the baby early. What else could I have done to prevent this? I felt I followed everything in the book of birth, and it failed me.
In making time for myself, I would wake up early before everyone else in my family, drink some hot tea, meditate, write down all the good about me, and call the NICU to check on the baby while I pumped. I had to make a decision to keep a thankful heart, trust in my abilities as a mother, and understand I only had control of what was in front of me at that moment. I had to change the narrative in all aspects of my situation. An example was changing my outlook on my NICU visits. Instead of being upset and sad, I saw my visits with my baby as self-care. I knew holding and being with her provided peace of mind for us both while releasing hormones for healing. It's all about changing our outlook on life, and believing these situations are growing pains that make us stronger and experienced in this world of motherhood and parenthood.
Rest and recovery. I learned through this experience to build a rest and recovery plan specific to my needs. Going back and forth to the NICU with a sore lower abdomen was tough. I remember the drives to the hospital and how every bump on the drive was painful. My body and mind was tired, and I just wanted my baby home. After speaking with family and surrendering my feelings in perinatal therapy, I was reminded to make quality time for myself first before I could be there for my baby or anyone else. Making time for me to be quiet and rest encouraged me to love myself at a deeper level. Eating a healthy meal, drinking water, taking a nap, watching something that will encourage a chuckle or a laugh was helpful. To fight postpartum anxiety and self-guilt, I pushed myself to get out of the house, get close to nature, take a walk, and spend quality time with friends and family that actually ADDED to my cup versus stealing my joy. Another idea of rest and recovery is hiring a postpartum doula. The amount of support is immense when working with a postpartum doula while dealing with a baby in the NICU. Being a postpartum doula myself, we will reassure you how important and special you are, and that your birth matters. We will help you get everything needed to be prepared for the baby's arrival home, and help lighten the stress you are carrying. In my moments of need, thankfully I had great family support but if I were to do this all over again, hiring a postpartum doula would be my first choice.
To recap the great things we talked about for all around support during these times:
Visit your baby as much as you want.
Be curious, ask questions, and advocate for yourself and baby
Get your thoughts on paper
Invest in a postpartum doula
Give yourself love physically and mentally
Talk with someone you feel is a safe space OR invest in a perinatal therapist
Listen to music. The options of music are vast. Choose a song and bask in it.
Nourish your body with good foods to help boost your mood and energy
Unfortunately, we as women and mothers are still misunderstood and our role in this world is still downplayed on ALL fronts. These experiences teach patience, gentleness, and showcase the strength we have within us. Don’t let anyone bully you into something you don’t want to do. This is your body, your birth, your child, and your choice. You are your baby’s advocate. The circumstance you are experiencing may be tough and impossible to cope with, but know it will get better, and you will survive through it. Trust your intuition and know you are abundantly powerful.
